Sunday, April 21, 2013

I just want us to be friends again, but that will never happen, won't it?

You're probably off somewhere hating on me, burning pictures of us together, cussing behind my back,
thinking how much of a worthless piece of crap I am.
Or maybe you just want me to evaporate, to disappear from your life forever.

Or maybe you just want to forget.

But you can't.

Cause you hate me.
Your heart burns with a deep and passionate hate for me.

And there's nothing I can ever do to make you forgive me.

Because I'm a monster- a heartless freak.
I'm mean.
I'm ruthless.
I'm a "worthless piece of shit", as you now call me to be.
But I'm not a cheat. I never was. And I don't know how I'd make you accept that; understand that.
Ever.

I admit that I've done you wrong.
And I'm sorry.
And I hate myself for hurting you.
And it also hurts how you hurt me.
But it aches the most how one time, we meant the whole world to each other, but now we've grown so much apart.

Apart.



Well, I did ask for this, didn't I?

I wanted
Space.
Time.
Freedom.
Opportunities.


Don't get me wrong.
I'm having a great time learning, growing and discovering things by myself.

And actually, I'm happy with my life right now- with where I am and with the people I am with.

But you're not.
And that makes me unhappy.







Sometimes, I think I start to miss the little things.
How you lulled me to sleep at night over the phone, even though we both knew you didn't sing.
Or how you randomly knocked on my door and surprised me with flowers (and fries).
Or how you wrapped me with your sweater in class when the room temperature went on Antarctica mode.
Or how you told me I was beautiful every. Single. Day.


But then I realized that the one thing I miss most is how we were before:
the best of friends.

But
It's been months since we last talked.
And I'm trying to be okay with that.

I try.
And try.
But I fail.

And I'm sorry that I'm very happy, but you're not

and that makes me unhappy.

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